


The Torchwood Daleks

by momentinsubtext



Category: Torchwood
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-06-30
Updated: 2008-06-30
Packaged: 2018-02-15 08:28:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,055
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2222337
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/momentinsubtext/pseuds/momentinsubtext
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>[crackfic] The Doctor is not amused with Torchwood's latest problem.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Torchwood Daleks

**Author's Note:**

> Cross-posted from my Teaspoon account.

Toshiko Sato sat in front of her computer terminal, playing solitaire. This was not as uncommon an event as she'd like others to believe. Nearly an hour ago she'd detected some strange energy readings somewhere to the west of the city, and Jack, Gwen, and Owen had gone of check it out. Jack had told her to stay behind a remotely monitor their progress. Not that there had actually _been_ any progress, per se. It did her a whole lot of good that they'd dropped off the radar nearly as soon as they'd gotten near the readings. There was nothing to do but wait. And play solitaire. Which she was somehow losing.  
  
With an exasperated sigh, she banged her head against the keyboard. There was a tiny ding from the monitor and she glanced up wearily to find an IM blinking at her.  
  
Teaboy: Need some help, Tosh?  
  
Her eyebrows rose and she sat up, typing.  
  
TheBlackWidow: You play solitaire?  
Teaboy: With real cards.  
Teaboy: What else do you think I do all day?  
TheBlackWidow: . . .  
TheBlackWidow: Fantasize about Jack?  
Teaboy: . . .  
TheBlackWidow: Sorry.  
Teaboy: So did you want my help or not?  
TheBlackWidow: Yes, please.  
  
On the screen, the solitaire game popped back to the front and the cards moved while Tosh sat back in her chair and felt increasingly stupid.  
  
Teaboy: You should be able to finish it now.  
TheBlack Widow: Thanks.  
  
Receiving no reply, she went back to her game.  
  
  
  
Meanwhile, Dalek Jack led Dalek Gwen and Dalek Owen into the information office, because there was no way three Daleks were going to fit on the invisible lift. Ianto glanced up at the sound of the door and promptly panicked, fumbling for a gun.  
  
"Ian-to," Dalek Jack said.  
  
"Jack?" Ianto yelped, clutching the gun tightly.  
  
"Yes. Put, down, the, gun."  
  
Ianto hesitated.  
  
"Please, Ian-to," Dalek Gwen said. Ianto decided that a welsh Dalek was probably the funniest thing he'd ever heard, and set the gun down.  
  
"You should have warned me," he said accusingly to Dalek Jack. "A phone call would have sufficed." He pantomimed a telephone. "'Hello, Ianto, we look like Daleks!'" He slammed his hand down on the button that opened the Hub entrance.  
  
"Thank, you." Dalek Gwen said, rolling past. Dalek Owen followed, emitting a static-like sound that was apparently what happened when a Dalek tried to mutter curses under it's breath.  
  
Dalek Jack rolled over to Ianto and pressed against him in what could be called a psuedo-hug. Possibly. "I, am, so-rry, Ian-to."  
  
Ianto, who was unsure he wanted to be comforted by a Dalek, even if it was Jack, pet the dome gingerly and did an admirable job of _not_ looking like he wanted to run as far away as possible.  
  
"No, would, be, a good, time, for, com-fort, sex," Jack said.  
  
"Um, no." Ianto shuffled toward the Hub as inconspicuously as possible.  
  
"But, this, is, your, one, chance, at, hot, a-li-en, sex, with-out, a, real, a-li-en."  
  
"I'm fine with the human kind, really," Ianto said, feeling after Dalek Gwen and Dalek Owen.  
  
  
  
"We, can-not, stay, like, this, for-e-ver," Dalek Gwen said, once they'd woken Tosh from her faint and explained, more or less, what had happened. "What, will, Rhys, say?"  
  
"May-be, _he_ , will, be, in-to, hot, a-li-en, sex," Dalek Jack said petulantly.  
  
Dalek Owen moved his eyestalk in a way that could be interpreted as a Dalek eyeroll.  
  
"I'd be into hot alien sex, if it were with Owen," Tosh muttered, not quite quietly enough. She blushed when everyone turned to stare at her.  
  
Dalek Owen gave Dalek Jack and exceptionally smug look, for a one-eyed pepperpot, and ushered Tosh out of the room. Dalek Jack rolled into his office sullenly.  
  
"I'm calling Unit," Ianto informed Dalek Gwen.  
  
  
  
Martha Jones took one look at the trio of Torchwood Daleks and promptly burst into laughter.  
  
"This, is, not fun-ny, Mar-tha," Dalek Jack berated her.  
  
"Oh, yes," she snickered gleefully, "it really is. The Doctor's gonna kill you when he finds out."  
  
"Do, we, have, to, tell, him?" Dalek Jack asked. "He, will, not, be, proud, of, me, a-ny, more."  
  
"What, you think Unit's got a de-Dalek-ifying machine somewhere? The Doctor's your best _-only-_ chance." She gave him a sympathetic look. "I'm sorry."  
  
"So-rry, enough, to, have, hot, a-li-en, sex, with, me?"  
  
"Don't push your luck." She held up her mobile. "I'm calling the Doctor, okay?"  
  
"O-kay, Mar-tha."  
  
Martha grinned and dialed. "Doctor?"  
  
"Martha!" The Doctor exclaimed happily. "How are you?"  
  
"Oh, I'm fine," Martha smirked.  
  
"Are you ready to come travelling with me again?"  
  
"Not. . .exactly." Martha was struggling to keep a straight face. "I'm at Jack's Torchwood and-"  
  
"What did he do now?"  
  
"You, um, you might want to see this for yourself, actually."  
  
There was a pause, then a click, then the unmistakable sound of the Tardis materializing. The door opened and the Doctor stepped out. He looked at Martha, then at Dalek Jack, and closed his eyes. "Please tell me this is better than it looks?"  
  
Martha shook her head. "They, um, got themselves turned into Daleks," she giggled.  
  
"Yes, Martha, I can see that." He motioned at Dalek Jack. "You see what happens when you let humans try to take care of themselves?"  
  
"That, is, not, fair!" Dalek Gwen protested. "We, did, not, do, it, on, pur-pose."  
  
"They never do," the Doctor muttered, then glared at Dalek Jack. "I leave you alone with the Rift for a couple of years and you get yourself turned into my worst enemy? I thought you loved me!"  
  
"I, am, so-rry, Doc-tor," Dalek Jack said mournfully, trying to give the Doctor a psuedo-hug.  
  
The Doctor jumped back, nearly tripping over Dalek Owen in the process. Martha found this exceptionally funny. Dalek Jack managed to look hurt. The Doctor stared at him, wondering how he was able to project emotions so well as an evil pepperpot, then rolled his eyes and gave Dalek Jack an apprehensive hug to appease him. Martha took several picture on her phone, because it was the Doctor hugging a Dalek, which was even more amusing than anything that had happened so far.  
  
"So," Tosh asked hesitantly, "Can you fix them?"  
  
  
  
"I didn't even get any hot alien sex," Jack complained testing his limbs.   
  
The Doctor inched toward the door.   
  
"...wait a second."  
  
The Doctor fled.

**Author's Note:**

> This was the result of a prompt by The_void_68 in the tv.com wwyr thread. The original prompt was: "The current team keep their personalities, but all look like Daleks."


End file.
